you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
