my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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