Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
