Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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