She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize
