Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
