i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
