You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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