I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
