He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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