i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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