I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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