i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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