I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
