Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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