Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
only you would photoshop your dick
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Even my vagina gasped.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
