Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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