Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
