I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
