I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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