he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
