No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
