Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
