if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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