He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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