no you cant smoke seaweed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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