i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
