he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
