I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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