we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize