my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
