Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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