if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize