When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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