We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
