i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
