I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
