The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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