im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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