he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
