new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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