Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
