If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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