is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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