I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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