this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
