i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
