I am in a vortex of obligation.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
