Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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