This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
