fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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