I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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