Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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