Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This toilet bowl is my home.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
