Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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