I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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