Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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