note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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