You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
