I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
