They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize